The Dugout

The Dugout Feed has moved

Thu, 20 Sep 2007 18:54:03 GMT

The Dugout is now at its new publishing home at AOL's Fanhouse sports blog. http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/category/the-dugout/ As such, the RSS feed has also changed. Subscribe to the new Dugout feed using the link below: http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/category/the-dugout/rss.xml

The Conclusion of the Conclusion of the Conclusion

Fri, 14 Sep 2007 11:14:06 GMT

We're sorry it took so long, but at long last, we are finished. We thank you for your indulgence, and hope you like it. And thanks again, you guys. We have an awesome group of readers.

The Conclusion, pts. 3, 4, and 5

Thu, 13 Sep 2007 03:19:40 GMT

If things go according to plan, we will be completely finished on Thursday night. Either that or we'll just drag this on for another twenty years.

The Conclusion, pts. 1 and 2

Wed, 12 Sep 2007 01:48:57 GMT

You thought the conclusion was going to be a one-Dugout affair? You are stupid! There will be more to follow tomorrow (Wednesday).

The Awesome, the Stupid, and the More Stupid, part 5

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:11:05 GMT

The last of the three stories before the conclusion begins.

The Awesome, the Stupid, and the More Stupid part 4

Sat, 08 Sep 2007 06:59:08 GMT

Kyle Farnsworth as a Red Sock. Delmon Young stuck in a well. And more offensive content than you can shake a dick at.

The Awesome, the Stupid, and the More Stupid part 3

Fri, 07 Sep 2007 03:42:11 GMT

In case you've ever wondered, when we give you a date like September 6, we mean any time from midnight to midnight. We could always just add one to the day and go with it, but then it'd just give us another day to delay it. We are retarded. Anyway, here is Part 3, featuring Farnsworth, the Young Brothers, and Pecota.

The Awesome, the Stupid, and the More Stupid parts 2

Thu, 06 Sep 2007 05:17:59 GMT

Part 2 of the Farnsworth arc is ready for your reading. Part 2 of the Youngs arc is ready for your reading. Part 2 of the PECOTA arc is ready for your reading. Please to be enjoying-

The Awesome, the Stupid, and the More Stupid

Tue, 04 Sep 2007 20:03:26 GMT

As promised, here is our WordUpThome farewell event. (By the way, guys, we've heard your concerns over the last day or two about us moving on to Fanhouse. We've been kicking around ideas that would result in us continuing to update WordUpThome fairly regularly, and we'll let you know with what we come up with. You people are the reason we do this, and we couldn't stand the thought of depriving you of the racist stereotypes, misogyny, and wanton vulgarity you've come to appreciate.)

A VERY SPECIAL DUGOUT ANNOUNCEMENT

Mon, 03 Sep 2007 16:22:35 GMT

We're sorry about the lack of updates over the past few days. We should have posted this already, but in the near future we're going to be moving the Dugout to AOL Fanhouse. We'll still be writing new Dugouts daily, and WordUpThome.com will still exist, but we will no longer be updating it regularly. As a send-off, though, we're preparing a Dugout Special Event that will begin Tuesday night, and hopefully wrap up by the end of the weekend. We plan on getting all the things out of our system that would be impractical on Fanhouse before we revert back to the formula that probably got you all interested in the first place. So thanks for your patience. We'll start this off tomorrow night. - Jon

The David Wells Fun Time Record Prevention Attempt

Sat, 25 Aug 2007 06:09:19 GMT

This week I make up for expecting a sports audience to understand Amy Winehouse and Lily Allen jokes by spending a weekend at the Buckfalls Ranch. /walks by "brokeback mountain" at blockbuster, exclaims "yuck" - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Pete Rose and the Little League World Series

Fri, 24 Aug 2007 15:51:34 GMT

I tune into the Little League World Series every now and then, but mostly just for the tears. - Nick

Don't You Mean Bizarro Decisive Victory

Thu, 23 Aug 2007 10:21:35 GMT

I didn't address this in today's Dugout, but I recommend you check ESPN.com's video thingy for the clip of Tim Kurkjian's reaction to the Rangers-Orioles game. For some reason he's talking over a muffled telephone line and is spouting stuff like "It was one for the ages; it was one for all ages." Like it's the Hindenburg or some shit. - Jon

Dmitri Young and Fatherhood

Tue, 21 Aug 2007 18:11:48 GMT

This Dugout brought to you by the investigative prowess of the excellent D.C. Sports Blog. - Jon

EXTRA! Special Report: Bobby Jenks

Sun, 19 Aug 2007 06:46:08 GMT

By request, Bobby Jenks, IT-BOY. And yes, before you ask, Mark McGrath's screen name is in reference to "Eye For an Eye." - B

There Is No Key to a Lover's Heart

Fri, 17 Aug 2007 08:03:54 GMT

Nothing makes a straight man question his sexuality more than the sudden realization that he just wrote gay fiction. - Jon

Fear and Loathing in Los Angeles

Thu, 16 Aug 2007 11:28:00 GMT

Hunter S. Thompson fans unite (I have read like 1.5 Hunter S. Thompson books but like to claim him as an inspiration because we share the same hometown)!!! Attention Chicagoland Dugout readers: I made a contribution to the newest Chicago Sports Weekly that can be found on page 14. Pick it up at a sports bar for free, or if you really want to stick it to the man, check out the online version for FREE. - Jon

New ItemThe David Wells Fun Time Secessionist Republic

Tue, 14 Aug 2007 17:18:00 GMT

And now for a Dugout that barely pertains to current events and does not pertain at all to baseball in general. - Jon

"Vacation," or Not Even a Goodbye

Sun, 12 Aug 2007 06:35:20 GMT

I hope this Dugout gets a ton of feedback and conversation on the livejournal feed and a lot of e-mails sent to me telling me how much the sender enjoyed it! ! - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Welcome Back, Rick

Fri, 10 Aug 2007 17:11:16 GMT

Not bad, Rick. Not too bad at all. - Nick

The David Wells Fun Time Ranch

Thu, 09 Aug 2007 15:48:37 GMT

Sorry the update's a little late this morning. We at The Dugout are happy that the Bonds stuff is overwith. The next three years' worth of Dugouts will be fat jokes at David Wells' expense. - Jon

Life Goes On, and So Do Dmitri

Wed, 08 Aug 2007 06:49:06 GMT

Well, it's over. B wrote an absolutely fantastic Dugout yesterday that is definitely already being recognized as one of the best takes towards the whole event. The thing is that this is the first Dugout we're doing since he wrote it and, well, Bonds just broke the record. I'm sure you guys are all really anxious to hear my second-tier take on what happened, but frankly there's no way I could put it into better words than B, so I decided to copy and paste his Dugout verbatim. The only problem is that they're not playing the Padres anymore, so I had to make a few small changes. I hope it still works just as well. So now what? I root for fucking ARod? Screw it. - Nick

Life goes on, and so do we.

Sun, 05 Aug 2007 06:16:37 GMT

And so it goes. - B

Wait Roger Clemens Isn't God?

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:31:28 GMT

I support booing Roger Clemens on most any occasion, but seriously guys. If you were at the game yesterday and booed Roger Clemens do me a favor and send us an email explaining how. Just because he was paid way too much doesn't mean he's going to overperform. Sleep in the bed you make. - Nick

What a Bunch of CLosers

Fri, 03 Aug 2007 13:31:11 GMT

The Long Walk Home

Thu, 02 Aug 2007 08:27:18 GMT

The Braves' acquisition of Mark Teixeira should, and does, make me happy. The Braves now assume the media-designated title of "World Series-caliber team", and whether or not that's really accurate or deserved, it's great to hear. Still, though. I think back to the time two good bands broke up and ended up forming Audioslave. It's great that they're selling a bunch of albums, I guess. - Jon

SPECIAL: Barry Bonds Goes to Heaven

Tue, 31 Jul 2007 13:52:15 GMT

In lieu of a Dugout today, our update features a play that explores the possibility of Barry Bonds beginning to right his wrongs.

Fuuuuuuudge

Sat, 28 Jul 2007 18:34:35 GMT

Hooray, another chance to try and get Emil Brown's username over! - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

We're Talkin' Softball

Fri, 27 Jul 2007 15:47:17 GMT

The Simpsons Movie has arrived. Considering I've been awaiting this day since I was 6 it's probably the biggest cinematic moment in my life thus far. Obviously until Shrek 4 comes out. So I wanted to do a Simpsons comic, but it was really hard. I've written the voice of Jesus Christ into three Dugouts, yet putting Homer or Bart or even Moe in here just didn't seem right to me. I found a happy medium and got to give some respect up for the best Simpsons episode of all time. - Nick

A Solemn Shake of the Head

Thu, 26 Jul 2007 09:18:51 GMT

Just about any political course of action would be better for Selig and for baseball than the one he's chosen. - Jon

The Rangers' Yard Sale

Wed, 25 Jul 2007 06:33:13 GMT

So the Rangers have the trading hype now? That hype that never happens? But we still hype it up and get all giddy at work when we think we're going to get somebody good, but then it falls through? Well at least they have something going for them. - Nick

Them Chips

Sun, 22 Jul 2007 18:03:54 GMT

Maybe we'll find out that Scott Olsen's been running a secret underground aminal fighting ring where he rolls guinea pigs in broken glass and throws them at each other with lacrosse sticks. - B

Current Mood: Jolting

Sat, 21 Jul 2007 18:00:23 GMT

Joe DiMaggio's 2,000-page, 29 volume collection of his diaries are now being offered for sale. I can't wait until 40 years from now when the guy from Sum 41 dies and we're all forced to read his livejournal. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Futuro Suzuki

Fri, 20 Jul 2007 12:48:52 GMT

I can't believe that there isn't an exact Japanese equivalent for the expression, "welp". How do they express folksy ambivalence? - Jon

Julio Franco's Best Friend

Thu, 19 Jul 2007 11:54:48 GMT

Julio Franco is a Brave again, and I couldn't be any happier. - Jon

The Color "Black" Ain't All the Way Black

Sun, 15 Jul 2007 16:44:42 GMT

Maybe Gary Sheffield is like the living billboards from The Simpsons, and if we just don't look at him he'll vanish. Every time he talks I just hear Uncle Phil saying "why do we keep doing this to each other?" - B

The Sound and the Furries

Sat, 14 Jul 2007 17:03:01 GMT

This story is about a week old, but we had to get to it eventually. For those of you caught unaware, yes, the Brewers really did stay in the same hotel as the Furry Convention. - B

Lou's Scoop: David Wells

Fri, 13 Jul 2007 06:00:49 GMT

Alex Rodriguez hit a homerun today. That's about it. So I just decided to put the two crappiest Dugout guys in the same room. Enjoy. - Nick

Rickey Henderson's Grammatical Person

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 11:24:40 GMT

David Cross does a far more dead-on impression of Rickey Henderson than I or anyone else could hope to give. By the way, if you were ever curious about just how clueless we are when it comes to baseball, feel free to check out our contributions to the newest installment of the Wall Steet Journal's Daily Fix baseball contest. At the start of the season, I predicted A-Rod to flop and find himself in a midseason trade. Stupid! Jon is so stupid! - Jon

The Bronx is Burning is Stupid

Tue, 10 Jul 2007 11:47:58 GMT

If you didn't catch the riveting new ESPN miniseries "The Bronx is Burning" last night, you can watch it here. Don't, though. - Jon

The 2007 American League All-Stars

Sun, 08 Jul 2007 06:37:31 GMT

An act in three parts. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Johann Olav Kloss Was Awesome

Sat, 07 Jul 2007 06:14:17 GMT

As we grow and become more popular, more and more people write us or tell us that they get their baseball news from the Dugout. We don't get to break a lot of stories, and we didn't break this one, but we hope you learned it from us: If Jim Thome swings a bat as hard as he can and it hits you in the head, you are probably going to die. See this? /points at bat Because of this /points to muscle It does this /puts finger-gun to head; shoots finger-gun - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

My Only Weakness Is 14.7 psi

Fri, 06 Jul 2007 06:08:09 GMT

Seriously dude drink a glass of milk once a month or something. - Nick

The Star-Studded iPhone Spectacular

Tue, 03 Jul 2007 16:16:22 GMT

I can't wait for the Ziggy strip in which he discovers the iPhone. He's spent the last 15 years sitting in front of an Apple II-looking thing going "oh jeez!!!", so if I had to guess, he'll probably take one look and his head will explode, his guts spattering all over Jeffy and Marmaduke a panel over. And for decades, the round "Ziggy" panel will continue to focus on a vacant, unchanging living room. And no one will notice. Sorry about the late update. Enjoy this special lunchtime Dugout! - Jon

Yankee Trouble

Sat, 30 Jun 2007 17:55:07 GMT

Up next: Christopher Walken helps Pete Rose sing about Aqua Velva. - B

The Bonds Family Secret

Fri, 29 Jun 2007 05:52:30 GMT

So this Dugout is about Barry Bonds' workout routine. I only made one steroids joke in this entire strip and I am extremely proud of myself for that. Not joking. - Nick

The Real Slumpbusters

Thu, 28 Jun 2007 12:17:01 GMT

"This isn't the first team I've broken out of a slump. I've done it throughout my career." Hmm. Yep. Progressive Boink just posted what is possibly the site's best update of all time. Kyle gives us a look into a network television brainstorming session, new writer Hanstock examines "Brewster's Millions", and Justin exhibits his understandings of the world of finance. - Jon

Greg Maddux Chats Up the Rookie

Sun, 24 Jun 2007 16:55:27 GMT

I'm shifting my focus to National League teams, because it seems like we've only really written about the American League lately. And sure enough, the first day I decide to do that, the most interesting thing to happen is a National Leaguer having a conversation with a guy from the American League. When he gets to the conversation about the dog, pretend there's plucky parable string music playing in the background. - B

The Oriole of the Kremlin

Fri, 22 Jun 2007 11:56:36 GMT

With regards to the money-raining incident at Camden Yards today, I had planned on some sort of Billy Beane "moneyball" reference until every major media outlet in existence beat me to it. Oh well, I hope you think Tom Clancy is as lame as I do. - Jon

Reading, Writing, and 'Roids

Thu, 21 Jun 2007 12:34:26 GMT

I'd like to preface this by making it clear that B is the original purveyor of a joke in today's Dugout. I took a gag and ran with it, and you know how we are about running gags. And I don't feel bad or even inaccurate about writing Sammy Sosa as an idiot because he's never left any evidence to the contrary. - Jon

Please Don't Suspend Me While I'm On The DL!

Wed, 20 Jun 2007 06:04:18 GMT

Me and a friend were talking about how funny it would be if Jason Giambi said that Derek Jeter did steroids. Seriously, would the Yankees just disband on the spot or would they mull around for a while and pretend they have something to live for? - Nick

Pete Rose and the Gradually Less Important Milestone

Tue, 19 Jun 2007 11:45:16 GMT

Despite what you're about to read, I don't dislike Craig Biggio. He's always played hard, exhibited loyalty to his team, shown a lot of durability offensively and defensively, and has been a model of consistency. That said, how the hell does Craig Biggio have more hits than Babe Ruth? Should I be looking up guys like Benito Santiago and and freaking Danny Gladden to make sure they haven't hit 900 home runs? - Jon

Sam Perlozzo <3's Xerxes

Mon, 18 Jun 2007 20:44:49 GMT

If we get busy one day and don't make the nightly deadline, it's not a big deal. We try not to do mid-day updates that won't be up for long, or that might get in the way of the next guy's comic. But holy shit, I had to write about this immediately. - B

THERE'S NO WOMEN IN BASEBALL

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 21:02:53 GMT

So Lou Piniella said something somewhat offensive, I jumped on it, and then a huge brawl breaks out and like the story of the week happens. Fuck it. - Nick

The Cincinnati Death March

Sat, 16 Jun 2007 06:23:28 GMT

They should figure out a way to get Elijah Dukes to compare threatening his wife via cell phone pictures with the Bay of Pigs Invasion. "Let me then make dear as the P________ of the U_____ S_____, dawg, that I am determined upon our system's survival and success, regardless of the cost and regardless of the peril, dawg!" - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Elijah Dukes is the Nicest Guy

Thu, 14 Jun 2007 12:46:33 GMT

The article I link in this Dugout is one bizarre journey. Relatively old news, but still bizarre. - Jon

Patti LaBelle hears "shit"

Wed, 13 Jun 2007 15:58:44 GMT

We're getting to that point in the season where God seems to be making things happen because he wants to read about them in the Dugout. Next month the Yankees are going to get into a fight with the Red Sox and Farnsy is going to punch off Daisuke's head with a knife John Rambo style. Continuing our promise and hyper-thanks, Chris D'Orso of The Stony Brook Admissions Blog sent us his list of Favorite Dugouts. Thank you, Chris, for somehow liking a Dugout about Nick Markakis that makes fun of Macarthur Park. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

The Worldwide Leader in Clever Angles

Tue, 12 Jun 2007 13:46:03 GMT

Two quick items: 1. Progressive Boink updates again today. B and Emily rate Lebanese people, Mike explores a hilarious piece of signage at Jacobs Field, and we are treated to the heart-curdling Stories of Intrigue. 2. Rebecca at Irregular Giggling has continued the trend and posted her own "best Dugouts" list, which is something we will never cease to be flattered by. - Jon

Joe Mauer: World Warrior

Sun, 10 Jun 2007 16:52:08 GMT

I can't wait until Kyle Farnsworth leaves a foot-long scar in somebody's chest by dragon punching them. Also, before or after you read today's strip, check out Chris Rivers of Future Considerations' list of his 25 Favorite Dugouts. There's some cool stuff listed that even I'd forgotten about, so check it out and relive some of our most glorious and gloriously bad moments. And hey, if you've got a blog of your own we'd love to see your list of favorties, so write one up and send us a link, we'll link to it here. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Curses to the Anglo-Saxon Lot

Sat, 09 Jun 2007 17:40:58 GMT

You know what fucking bugs me about Ozzie Guillen? That he is a non-white! I mean really, who does he think he is? - B

The MLB Genuine Draft

Thu, 07 Jun 2007 11:43:21 GMT

The NFL draft is boring. The NBA draft is boring. And the MLB draft is going to be boring as all hell. P.S. Yeah, yeah, I know. Robin Roberts isn't dead, but if I told you otherwise you'd believe me. P.S.S. By the way, while writing this Dugout I came across this. I refuse to believe that a single copy has ever been sold. - Jon

Sal Long

Wed, 06 Jun 2007 06:38:44 GMT

Yes, you're right. This was the boringest thing to happen in baseball today. A challenge? Not so much as an excuse to drop my boy Sal Fasano into a strip. - Nick

Jack Bauer's Worst Day Ever

Tue, 05 Jun 2007 20:25:04 GMT

A couple of times a year, B and I like to post a 24-themed Dugout, thus alienating half our readership and Nick, but this one was a slam dunk. Also, be sure to check out mothership, Progressive Boink. Mike has done a great job re-designing the place, and It's going back to the three-article-a-week format that brought so many people here in the first place. I firmly believe that it's the greatest site of its kind to ever exist, so if you just visit that site without scrolling down this page, I'll understand. - Jon

Who's Your Black Tiger?

Sun, 03 Jun 2007 18:03:03 GMT

Gary Sheffield is full of shit. All Elijah Dukes did was text a picture of a gun to his wife over a cell phone and call her "dawg" thirty times. Ugueth Urbina went to another country and actually murdered people. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

probably something about alex rodriguez

Sat, 02 Jun 2007 06:25:42 GMT

For the second week in a row, I get lucky. Jon and Nick run into circumstance that prevents them from writing Dugouts mid-week when all the shit goes down, and I get to handle it on the weekends, when nobody is reading. Last week it was Elijah Dukes going into a classroom and threatening to beat his wife's ass. This week, it's oh what the hell do you think it is - B

What Now, Mr. Dork

Mon, 28 May 2007 00:37:23 GMT

I like to think that when Vernon Wells was thinking up what to call the heckler, he considered all sorts of harsh, biting, literate insults before shrugging, dismissing the guy as a plebian, and writing "Dear Mr. Dork" as a means to demean him socially. -b

F__ the Children in Thier A

Sat, 26 May 2007 06:14:43 GMT

Excuse the lack of regularity over the last week or so, we've been having some server problems and couldn't get stuff up when we wanted, if at all. So to all of you who wrote in about the Tampa Bay Devil Rays and how we should write about their new yet everlasting expanding shames, don't worry, I'm your huckleberry. Also, check out my interview at the very awesome The Big Picture blog, where I discuss the probability of Yokozuna joining the Hart Foundation, as well as my dream job (being The Flash). - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

The Athletics Are In a Car Crash

Fri, 25 May 2007 04:54:49 GMT

Milton Bradley hit the DL and Conor Robertson is expected to meet him there any day. It's just getting ridiculous. Props Tom at our lovely Fanhouse. - Nick

The Brewers Are In a Coma

Wed, 23 May 2007 04:33:53 GMT

Brewers on The Young and the Restless. I kind of just stood back and watched this develop on my laptop. - Nick

Meet the (Goddamn) Mets

Sat, 19 May 2007 04:26:53 GMT

Today's attempt to get us mentioned on Fear and Faith in Flushing. And possibly Jet magazine. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Get Off My Machine, Old Man

Fri, 18 May 2007 05:13:59 GMT

Reading this headline I got as far as "Farnsworth is Not Happy With the Cleme" before I started writing this. Our AL East man Denton over at Fanhouse provided the story, which is here. And look at Giambi trying to weasel into tonight's strip by apologizing for doing steroids again. Nice try, asshole. - Nick

A Dream Come True

Wed, 16 May 2007 21:37:50 GMT

Imagine that a baseball player beating his wife and it isn't even Jay Gibbons. - Nick

Hit 'Em High

Mon, 14 May 2007 21:36:53 GMT

Not featured in today's comic: This year the Kansas City Royals must play DEMONS FROM THE CENTER OF THE EARTH in Interleague Play. WRREEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE - B

Traded for Nobody (again)

Sun, 13 May 2007 03:04:31 GMT

I would've liked to've known you, but I was just a kid your candle burned out long before your legend ever diiiiid - B

Beating Up Foreign Wives is International Abuse

Fri, 11 May 2007 18:14:39 GMT

They should just replace the Orioles broadcast team with a video of Cal Ripken waving at people. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Who Took Steroids

Fri, 11 May 2007 05:03:30 GMT

Today! On The Dugout! Steroids. - Nick

Homerun Buddies

Wed, 09 May 2007 05:06:39 GMT

Jon's Ortiz Dugout yesterday was funny because he mentioned how it's impossible not to like Ortiz and then like 7 hours later Ortiz, for zero reason at all, spits that he could have done steroids. It's like he read our site, said "I'll show you, Jon", and tried to sink his name in less than a minute. Me and fellow staffer Justin will be at the Giants game at Fenway June 15th with plenty of brews and golf balls to welcome our buddy Bonds. Jeer suggestions can be sent to the email below. - Nick

Just Like In That Dave Matthews Band Music Video

Tue, 08 May 2007 14:11:09 GMT

Thanks to forum contributor Alicia for the tip. At this point, it's officially impossible to dislike David Ortiz. - Jon

The Pride of the Yankees

Sun, 06 May 2007 21:16:28 GMT

wait a minute, is that 'ode to joy' i hear playing in the background of every home in north america - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Along Came a Cepeda

Sat, 05 May 2007 01:29:11 GMT

In association with Nick's Manny Ramirez Dugout from yesterday, here is another one of our signature characters appearing entirely without her signature catchphrase. Entirely without. I swear. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

How Dare You, Tom Brady

Fri, 04 May 2007 05:33:29 GMT

Wow, been a while since I made out the ol' index. First I want to thank everyone for the enormous amounts of support I received. It's made it a lot easier to concentrate on other things. Like making fun of athletes. Which brings us to today. Today's Dugout features a certain player who everyone loves. Said player also has a certain catchphrase that everyone...loves. Well I'm breaking the mold for the first time BUT ONLY FOR THE GREATER GOOD. The joke was growing forced and I literally had spent over an hour trying to think one up last time, so I decided to give it a break for the good of the character and the good of this particular strip. I hope his punchline is just as funny. Well it isn't, but tough shit. Without further ad - Nick

Workhorsie Rides

Thu, 03 May 2007 11:50:31 GMT

So the Yankees had a "strength and conditioning" coach? Are they trying to kill Babe Ruth's ghost now? - Jon

Cellar Dwellers

Wed, 02 May 2007 05:33:31 GMT

I'm putting up Nick's Dugout for him tonight. Unfortunately he was watching tonight's Red Sox game on mlb.tv and Papelbon's blown save literally made his computer explode. - Jon

Josh Hancock's New Home

Tue, 01 May 2007 10:30:58 GMT

We couldn't go without tipping our cap to Cardinals pitcher Josh Hancock. I'm sure you've heard about his death in a car accident by this point, and though I'll admit I barely knew who he was until this weekend, I'm sure he's worthy of a screen name that doesn't play on "cock". Rest in peace, sir. - Jon

You Know Prosess Jim Thome's Rib

Mon, 30 Apr 2007 04:15:06 GMT

I think the pinnacle of my writing career may end up being the first line of today's Dugout. Special thanks to my girlfriend Lindy for giving me a good answer to "how the hell am I supposed to make a man's rib cage funny" without resorting to anymore Castlevania II jokes. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Die Greinke Die

Sat, 28 Apr 2007 15:32:34 GMT

hey guys whats goin on in this website Thanks for your patience through all of this. Jon already mentioned it, but thank you for the e-mails you sent and the posts you made whenever and wherever you sent them. It means a lot to know that, in a way, people depend on what we do here, as random and out-of-the-way as it is. Count your blessings, though. If we'd been updating last week it would've just been five Dugouts in a row about that one guy who threw the big piece of pizza at the other guy. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Mark Prior Just Plain Sucks with a Cherry On Top

Fri, 27 Apr 2007 09:46:58 GMT

I got the shock of my life today when I realized that Mark Prior is only two years older than I am. I don't understand how someone can fit that much injury into one lifetime. My real worry here is that we're running out of jokes to make about the situation. B, Nick and myself are going to have to get to work on devising renewable sources of crapping on Mark Prior. - Jon

Manny Opens a Pandora's Box of Orwellian Nightmare

Tue, 24 Apr 2007 03:59:26 GMT

We're back, everybody. Thanks for being understanding as we took the week off. Nick's back to sending me an IM every 8 seconds about Daisuke being the son of Jesus, which is always a good sign. So hey guys, how about that thing that happened two full days ago? Wasn't that so awesome??? - Jon

Virginia Tech

Wed, 18 Apr 2007 01:45:29 GMT

Hey guys. Everybody knows what happened at Virginia Tech this week. What you might not know is that one of the three guys who does the Dugout, Nick Dallamora, goes to Virginia Tech. He was RIGHT THERE when that shit started happening. He's fine, thank God, but he's not going to be thinking about baseball for a little while. I don't fucking blame him. So what we're doing is just taking some time off. Not a hell of a lot of time, we aren't going to let it get to us forever. But I wanted to put this up and let you know what was going on, and that at the latest we'll be back and running by the weekend. Just keep those we lost to some crazy asshole in your hearts, and keep Nick in your mind, because without him we would've never made Papelbon into a stupid child, or Manny Ramirez into also a stupid child. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

So Long, and Thanks For All the Racial Equality

Mon, 16 Apr 2007 03:33:02 GMT

In conclusion, Jackie Robinson. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Hustle Loyalty Respect

Sun, 15 Apr 2007 05:02:42 GMT

WHERE'S THE BALL OH SHIT WHERE'S THE BASE HOW DO MY LEGS WORK ah i'll just stand here for a while till someone tells me what to do - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Mark Prior Just Plain Sucks

Fri, 13 Apr 2007 06:24:57 GMT

Mark Prior possibly headed to the minor league disabled list? Do they even have one of those or do they just toss your ass into the furnace to help keep the other players warm? I guess I should put my Prior jersey on eBay before he sells his fingers for food and belly scratch. - Nick

Miller Time

Thu, 12 Apr 2007 11:01:19 GMT

If the Angels play at Miller Park and Jesus doesn't go down the beer slide, I fail to see the point. - Jon

Rodan vs. Mothra

Wed, 11 Apr 2007 09:15:35 GMT

I was going to write a Dugout about Alex Rodriguez's 6 homeruns and his heroic performance against the Orioles on Saturday, but instead decided to pretend it never happened. This is all just a dream. Carl Pavano is on the DL, ARod is a dip, and everything is going to be juuuust fine. - Nick

Journey to the Center of Mike Hampton's Anus

Tue, 10 Apr 2007 10:44:32 GMT

You know how if you say a word or phrase enough times, it loses its meaning? That's happening to me with "Mike Hampton is injured again". Guys and girls, it might be best to finish your sandwich before reading this one. - Jon

What It Was Like For Jack

Mon, 09 Apr 2007 04:46:32 GMT

Today for SPRING TRAINING MONTH: The Boston Somersets. i just say that shit clownin dog. Today, the real season begins! To celebrate, I decided to tackle a topic both Nick and Jon tried to avoid, and start things off in the worst possible way ever. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: Kansas City Royals

Sun, 08 Apr 2007 07:18:46 GMT

Happy Easter, Royals fans. You know I'd never forget about you. You haven't complained about all the Royals Dugouts being some weird compromise between "Major League" and "Lord of the Rings", so don't start now. And thanks to forum guy RedSoxFaithful for helping out forum guy Captain Walrus with new Dugout forum signature banners. Check them out. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Milwaukee Brewers

Sat, 07 Apr 2007 04:48:20 GMT

Whoops, almost forgot the Brewers. - B

Spring Training 2007: Toronto Blue Jays

Fri, 06 Apr 2007 07:28:05 GMT

You Blue Jays fans disgust me. This is my very last entry in Spring Training Eon and you haven't said a damn word. We've gotten complaints from Astros fans, White Sox fans, even Nationals fans on how long it was taking to get to their teams. I read one e-mail suggesting what we write about for the Blue Jays and they didn't even seem to be in that big of a rush. All I'm asking is where's the hate mail? This was total bullshit. The season started 4 days ago and you sat there and didn't do jack. For all you knew I wasn't even going to do a Blue Jays Dugout. Hell, who would've noticed? Also having sold out and not being able to swear or beat up women over at Fanhouse has me taking full advantage here on my home turf. This strip has everyone's favorite Dugout regular in it. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Houston Astros

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 07:30:34 GMT

Spring Training decade rolls on as Roger Clemens pays us a visit. Yes all you Astros fans are sick of hearing about Roger Clemens, but tough shit it's the most interesting story of your offseason. If you want another Astros Dugout check out this one I put up on Fanhouse yesterday. Also B put up a White Sox Dugout like 6 hours ago so check it out in our archive over hurr. Of course if you're reading this in an RSS feed you need to get your lazy ass off the couch to click these links. You guys in the NYC area should check out Varsity Letters tomorrow night. We were at the one last month and it was sick. This one looks like it's not screwing around either. Love to Gelf. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Chicago White Sox

Wed, 04 Apr 2007 00:11:31 GMT

The following events take place between the beginning of last month, and the end of last month. Also, if you're in the New York area (and I wish I was), stop by the Happy Endings Lounge and take in the next installment of the Varsity Letters. We aren't gonna be there this time, but a lot of cool folk are, so you should check it out. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: LA Dodgers

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 03:43:57 GMT

I can't wait for Opening Day, which happens in like a week or two! - B

Spring Training 2007: Tampa Bay Devil Rays

Tue, 03 Apr 2007 03:43:20 GMT

- Jon

Spring Training 2007: Arizona Diamondbacks

Sun, 01 Apr 2007 20:21:04 GMT

Some really big news coming out of Dugout national headquarters in Tiverton Rhode Island, as it seems we are going to be made a feature on ESPN's Page 2. No definite word yet on when we'll be starting, but you should start checking it next week. In other news the Arizona Diamondbacks are preparing to lose 90 games. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Detroit Tigers

Fri, 30 Mar 2007 06:25:15 GMT

Spring Training Month becomes Spring Training Month + 1 so don't send us an e-mail if the Cardinals/Mets game starts and you don't see your team's Dugout. We should only pour over by a day or two. Also if this Dugout sucks check this other one out. And yes, writing Farnsworth without swears is every bit as infuriating as it sounds. We had to change ARod's name too because being gay is offensive. http://www.aolsportsblog.com/2007/03/29/the-dugout-new-york-to-love-arod/ - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Chicago Cubs

Thu, 29 Mar 2007 10:30:16 GMT

I intentionally slated the Cubs Spring Training Dugout toward the end because I was holding out until Kerry Wood got injured. What do you know. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Oakland Athletics

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 06:20:24 GMT

Spring Training Month nears a close as there are still like 23 teams we haven't covered yet and the season starts Sunday. Yeah so if you're team doesn't make the cut it sure does suck to be a Diamondbacks fan. Kidding. You all get one. Just don't freak on us if it's a day late or something. We started posting seperate ones over at AOL Fanhouse so you can check there now for our stuff too if you're not getting enough here. I meant to post a link to this last week when it was relevant, but what would you know I just didn't have it in me. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: San Francisco Giants

Mon, 26 Mar 2007 06:42:37 GMT

In an attempt to please our San Francisco Giants fans, today's SPRING TRAINING MONTH entry, the San Francisco Giants, was approached and executed using two rules, as requested by said fans: rule #1: do not make every giants dugout be about barry bonds rule #2: do not make every giants dugout be steroid jokes So I did the best I could. /shrug - B

Spring Training 2007: Baltimore Orioles

Sun, 25 Mar 2007 16:31:19 GMT

The Orioles. And every single one of the headlines is, "ORIOLES STRUGGLE TO BREATHE WHILE PLAYING BASEBALL, GIVE UP 11 TO DEVIL RAYS." Come on, you guys. - B

New Item

Wed, 28 Mar 2007 06:19:45 GMT

Here's my contribution to Spring Training Month: Philadelphia. My backup idea was to have Lieber stick his finger in Garcia's peanut butter, but B is under the impression that more than 12 people remember that. - Mike BIG NEWS: The Dugout is now a part of AOL's sports blog, The Fanhouse! The Dugouts written for Fanhouse will be exclusive to that website, but we'll eventually be able to link to them here. For now, read Nick's first Fanhouse exclusive: David Wells Changes His Lifestyle.

Spring Training 2007: Boston Red Sox

Wed, 21 Mar 2007 07:15:03 GMT
I LOVE SPRING TRAINING MONTH and I love that I waited to see if Manny would do something funny. Which was a better pick? UNLV over Wisconsin or this? I thought so. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: New York Mets

Tue, 20 Mar 2007 22:34:28 GMT
I'm about to run out of sentences introducing Spring Training Month, so it's a good thing they're almost finished. Last year, I predicted with absolute confidence that the Mets would not win the NL East. When they did, I briefly considered trying to convince B and Nick to help me construct an alternate Dugout universe in which they didn't win, but decided it was best to own up. I'm confident in the Braves this year, but in this Dugout I stick to the much safer prediction that Pedro Martinez will fracture something while doing engaging in some random mundane activity. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Minnesota Twins

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 03:46:33 GMT
Today on Spring Training Month: Minnesota. And while I'm thinking about it, Spring Training Month is the perfect time to say WHERE THE HELL ARE YOU, FANS OF TEAMS WHO ARE NOT THE RED SOX AND YANKEES. Do you exist? We get e-mails all season saying "do more about the a's" or "do more about the mariners," and then we do one about the Mariners and the only people who say anything to us are the same Red Sox fans who say something to us all the time. And we love those people (we do), but we don't want to end up making everything hyper-specific and only appealing to 10% of our demographic! So speak up when your team shows up! Send us an e-mail, post to our livejournal feed, hop on our forum and contribute some feedback. We want to hear you! Do it, or else Denard Span may never show up again! - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: Seattle Mariners

Mon, 19 Mar 2007 03:46:13 GMT
In a sport where championships, legacies, and great moments define teams and generations, today's Spring Training Month Dugout deals with the Seattle Mariners, and how they sometimes have enjoyable television commercials. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: Washington Nationals

Fri, 16 Mar 2007 06:45:09 GMT
SPRING TRAINING MONTH continues as Dmitri Young claims the life of an aspiring youth and a peanut vendor. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: St. Louis Cardinals

Thu, 15 Mar 2007 20:11:53 GMT
Today, our Spring Training Month visits the St. Louis Cardinals. Hopefully we have readers old enough to remember (and forget) The Baseball Network. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Florida Marlins

Wed, 14 Mar 2007 13:14:49 GMT
Here is a Dugout about Mr. Loria trying to mess up the Marlins season! -Nick

Spring Training 2007: Atlanta Braves

Tue, 13 Mar 2007 19:43:31 GMT
Spring Training Month continues as we check in on my Atlanta Braves. I predict they'll win the NL East this year, and ask for your help with thinking up reasons why 2006 didn't count. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Colorado Rockies

Mon, 12 Mar 2007 22:04:28 GMT
Javy Lopez: Funeral for a Friend - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: New York Yankees

Sun, 11 Mar 2007 06:56:54 GMT
The Varsity Letters event was, in a word, very enjoyable and we had a lot of fun attending the varsity letters event that we went to Here are some pictures, and paragraphs that use words to describe how we felt, and what we did. That says it all, really. Everyone there was amazing and we made a lot of really great friends. Plus, I'm pretty sure I demanded my way onto Dan Shanoff's Top 20 list next year! progress~! Video of the speech should be up very soon. Until then, enjoy NEW MAJOR LEAGUE BASEBALL CLUB PHOTOS YESSS - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: San Diego Padres

Tue, 06 Mar 2007 06:25:16 GMT
Spring Training Month continues with the San Diego Padres, who, despite being divisional champions, have only had two developments in the past six months: 1) a Tony Gwynn statue 2) Brian and Marcus Giles molesting people in the shower Points of Interest: - We (Nick, Jon, and myself) will be speaking and appearing alongside Henry Abbott, Jason Fry, Greg Prince, Will Leitch, Dan Shanoff, and Matt Ufford at Gelf Magazine's Varsity Letters event on Wednesday in New York City. If you're in the area, come out and support us. We expect intricate, repeated chants. Happy Ending Lounge 302 Broome St. (between Forsyth and Eldridge) 212-334-9676 J/M/Z/F to Delancey B/D to Grand Street Look for the hot-pink awning with the words "Health Club" on it. Doors open at 7:30. Readings start at 8 sharp. FREE! - Also, be sure to check out our Gelf feature (http://www.gelfmagazine.com/archives/baseballs_unofficial_chat_room.php) in which Jon forgoes standard question-and-answer format and speaks like Bill Pecota into a microphone for twenty minutes. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: Cincinnati Reds

Mon, 05 Mar 2007 09:20:16 GMT
Spring Training Month continues as we check in on the Reds. As an aside, I was riding home from Cincinnati last night with some friends and our car hit an icy stretch of I-71. We spun around a full five or six times before miraculously coming to rest on the shoulder. The rest of the drive home was spent helping people out of ditched/flipped over automobiles and calling 911. Never go to Cincinnati, no matter how much mediocre pitching they acquire. - Jon

Spring Training 2007: Cleveland Indians

Sat, 03 Mar 2007 07:27:29 GMT
To answer your questions, yes, Nick knows that Buck Showalter isn't still the manager of the Texas Rangers. We keep track of these things. In fact, I have devoted most of my adult life to studying the Texas Rangers and their front office. So don't worry. Everything we do is on purpose, and everything we do is intentful. Today's Dugout is about the Baltimore Orioles, and the problems they've been having with their crazy manager Earl Weaver! - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Spring Training 2007: Texas Rangers

Fri, 02 Mar 2007 08:44:25 GMT
Two AL West teams down and it's the first week. You guys must love this. Also, we're going to New York City for the Varsity Letters conference held by Gelf Magazine's Carl Bialik on March 7th. The night before we're going to be stepping in to ask a few sports trivia questions for the Jeffrey Leonard Invitational, so we'll pretty much be on MTV by next week. If you're in the area you should shoot us an e-mail and let us know where the most killer pizza pies are. - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Los Angeles Angels of Anaheim

Wed, 28 Feb 2007 06:28:26 GMT
Spriiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiing Training. God you can just feel it can't you? - Nick

Spring Training 2007: Pittsburgh Pirates

Tue, 27 Feb 2007 18:12:26 GMT
Today we kick off our second annual Spring Training Month. One Dugout for each team. Check back every day to see if we've done your team so you can be disappointed in us for making fun of every player on the 25-man roster. - Jon

Crohn's Disease, You Guys

Sun, 25 Feb 2007 23:36:27 GMT
Tomorrow: Spring Training Month begins! Today: Xavier Nady has problems with his bottom - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

From Under the Corked Bat

Sat, 24 Feb 2007 21:27:29 GMT
Don't worry about all of our recent Dugouts being AL-East-centric. In a couple of days we begin our second annual Spring Training Month, with a new Dugout about a different team every day until everybody's represented and the season starts. We just have to get some of this stuff out of the way (Manny being Sedan-y), and I couldn't think of anyone with stupider field gear than Kevin Millar. I apologize for the lateness, too. Last time it was Greg The Hammer Valentine. This time it was Takeshi Morishima! -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Manny's Spring Training Workout

Fri, 23 Feb 2007 06:45:12 GMT
My buddy sent me a great quote today. Definitely better than anything I could write here. "Considering all the buzz in Yankees camp about the relationship between Alex Rodriguez and Derek Jeter, it was only fitting that someone asked Ortiz if his relationship with Ramirez has changed. 'No, it's still the same,' said Ortiz. 'Manny's still crazy. I'm still babysitting him. Same thing all the way around. There's no breaking up thing -- we don't play that here.'" - Nick

A Worthless Tribute

Thu, 22 Feb 2007 06:55:36 GMT
It's about time for another Lecture Dugout from Jon! Hooray!!! - Jon

Totally Out of Line

Wed, 21 Feb 2007 07:17:05 GMT
In celebration of our 602nd Dugout I swore 602 times. Also I can't get over the Jeter/ARod headlines. ARod slept over Jeter's house 5 nights a week? Shit, it's just a matter of time now before we stop posting these thing and have a giant "TOLD YOU" jpg in their wake. - Nick

Professor of Love

Tue, 20 Feb 2007 20:25:32 GMT
Sorry the update's late. I spent the first twelve hours trying to figure out whether the Dugout imitates life, or vice versa. - Jon

Protect Your Assets

Mon, 19 Feb 2007 17:50:09 GMT
From now on every contract ever should have a Must Give A Shit About Your Job Clause. - Mike

Oriole Park at Cannibal Holocaust

Sun, 18 Feb 2007 17:18:37 GMT
I had to figure out a way to get caught up on all the Orioles injury Dugouts before an asteroid crashed into Camden Yards and killed everyone on the team. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Kerry Wood Celebrity Hot Tub

Sat, 17 Feb 2007 05:16:45 GMT
God sure loves The Dugout, doesn't he? -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Breaking News: Nah Just Kidding

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:28:09 GMT
This is the worst week ever to be a baseball fan. You're all pumped up because players are beginning to report to camp so you check all your favorite web sites like 5 times an hour looking for news, but nothing ever happens. Nothing. The biggest news I heard from today was that Barry Zito showed up to Giants camp with an Athletics duffel bag. HAHAHA. Also, I wrote this at 5 in the afternoon, so if something huge happens between now and midnight don't write me an e-mail calling me an idiot. There's no way I could have taken face time away from Thome befriending cookies. - Nick

Jim Thome vs. the Vajayjay

Thu, 15 Feb 2007 23:27:53 GMT
In light of recent earth-shattering events, today's Dugout will be about Dmitri Young bludgeoning the kid from the Beethoven movies senseless with a parking meter. Thanks to Deadspin for this story. - Jon

The Real MVP Award

Wed, 14 Feb 2007 06:06:59 GMT
2k Sports should make a video game chronicling Derek Jeter's lifelong journey to the Hall of Fame. They could call it Major League Baseball 2kJeter. - Nick

Because "I Took Pills" Is A Boring Resolution

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 06:55:47 GMT
While we're on the subject of Tourette's Syndrome, I'd appreciate it if someone would watch this video and tell me whether I'm a complete idiot for laughing at it so hard. This is the longest Dugout ever written. - Jon

Time Compression

Mon, 12 Feb 2007 06:24:10 GMT
Sorry I'm a little late. Today I got to meet Greg The Hammer Valentine~! -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

MLB Against All Odds

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 06:18:56 GMT
KEN GRIFFEY JUNIOR ROOKIE CARD - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

That's e'asy

Fri, 09 Feb 2007 06:51:15 GMT
Pujols got a 100% on his citizenship test, which I think speaks volumes. I'm waiting for him to earn the Presidential Medal of Freedom. I swear. - Nick

MLB.com Gets The Straight Story

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 06:57:18 GMT
I feel kind of bad making fun of MLB.com, given that we have a couple of readers who either work or have once worked there. Please accept our apologies. These days we're running out of material and they just make it too easy. To be honest, the guy managed to throw a few zings into what basically amounted to a giant sales pitch, so hats off to him for making the best of a crappy situation. - Jon

The Respect I Deserve

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 05:06:14 GMT
Barry Bonds' agent actually mentioned 1000 homeruns. I was tempted to make this Dugout just his agent saying "Barry Bonds could hit 1000 homeruns". I mean it'd be funny if Manny said it, but jeez... -Nick

Alex Rodriguez: American Hero

Tue, 06 Feb 2007 19:01:15 GMT
How to write a children's book: 1. Start four of every five sentences with "Suddenly," or "All of a sudden,". 2. Make the title a vocabulary word so teachers will buy your book and read it in class and say, "Does anyone know what flotsam is?????" 3. Be famous. - Jon

Through the Looking-Glass and What Justin Found There

Mon, 05 Feb 2007 03:42:19 GMT
I want to get a job writing for ESPN.com based on my writing talent and love of baseball, then use that opportunity to make people read about the stupidest shit I can possibly come up with. I'm going to make up a stat called "MORK" and use it to prove how Ed Rogers is the new Roberto Clemente. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Super Bowl Bitch

Wed, 07 Feb 2007 05:06:24 GMT
Seriously who gives a shit about baseball the day of the Super Bowl? This was allowable considering the leading headline on MLB's news page was about Juan Gonzalez's potential comeback. -Nick

MLB Glory by Honor

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 04:31:56 GMT
This is one of those really esoteric jokes that 0.002% of the audience will get and is SO esoteric that it will alienate everyone reading. But God, I can't read "Ghana" and let this go. Come on, I'm me. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Breaking Stereotypes

Fri, 02 Feb 2007 07:52:04 GMT
Goals for the new season: 1. Come up with some new jokes 2. Do not at any time have Daisuke Matsuzaka say "MISS GORIGHTRY, I MUSS PRO-TESSSS" - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Server issues.

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 05:31:33 GMT
Hi. You've probably noticed that we've had some server errors lately. This is part of the reason why updates have been rather sporadic in the last few weeks. We are in the process of reorganizing our site to help lower those as much as we can. To help us out, please either continue to link to us at wordupthome.com, or use dugout.progressiveboink.com Thanks for bearing with us. -Mike

Nolan Ryan (1947 - Whenever)

Sat, 27 Jan 2007 05:46:37 GMT
My Grandfather's favorite baseball player ever is Nolan Ryan. He's met Nolan on several occasions, has all kinds of signed stuff and important games on tape, and even has Nolan Ryan license plates. I know that I've become my Grandfather when Cal Ripken goes into the hospital with heart problems, and I have to keep checking ESPN.com or something to find out how he's doing. What I'm getting at is, Nolan Ryan is a HORSE, dude. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Mike Hampton Is The 7th Best Player In Baseball

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 08:44:54 GMT
I was going to be really pissed off upon finding out how much we paid Mike Hampton this year. Then I found out that Chan Ho Park is getting paid even more and I just kind of got sad. - Jon

The NFMLB

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 23:01:37 GMT
Sorry about the late update. It's just that I came across this article last night and spent the following 14 hours trying to process exactly how something like this was written in a professional context. I kind of feel bad for making so much fun of it, because I'd guess that the author is a perfectly good writer who was asked by his higher-ups to write a puff piece that he's hating himself over. So no hard feelings, unless you're the asshole who ordered someone to write something this terrible. In other news, thanks to B for covering me during a mini-hiatus. In case anyone's interested, on Progressive Boink we just completed a giant list of our 100 favorite moments, complete with video, from "24". If you're not watching this show yet, you really should be. - Jon

Suppan's Labyrinth

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 06:17:35 GMT
Don't get me wrong, the movie isn't a "bad" movie. It's just... Okay, you know the band Keane? They're a pretty enjoyable band, and they have some nice sounding songs. But they always build to a point where you've been waiting forever for them to start rocking out, and they get really really close to rocking out, and you get excited because you are getting ready to rock out...and then they keep going like they're going, and they never start rocking. And the next song is the same way. And the next song. And it's okay, but it never starts rocking like you want it to. 15 minutes of fantasy masterpiece. 2 hours 45 minutes of Hispanic people shooting each other in the woods. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Patriots vs. Chargers

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 04:34:17 GMT
Nick's having some computer problems, so I'm filling in tonight. And I swear to God I'm running out of ways to handle these news bits. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Light Yo L

Wed, 17 Jan 2007 05:12:38 GMT

Rodrigo Bye Bye

Sun, 14 Jan 2007 07:36:45 GMT
Before today, the day I first made out with two women at the same time was the happiest day of my life. Today? Today is looking pretty awesome, too. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Teen Line

Sat, 13 Jan 2007 06:34:29 GMT
I hate writing about the same thing two days in a row, but I mean come on - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Barry Bonds Forgot To Study

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 05:46:34 GMT

The Only Person That Matters

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 03:01:18 GMT
When DC Comics was going to kill off the second Robin, they put an ad in the back of the comic asking you to call a number and vote on whether he should live or die. I had a personal opinion on his death, but instead of basing my decision on that opinion I chose to make that issue of Batman the most important thing in the universe and reread the entire series calling Batman "Brandon" instead of Batman. -B

A Friend in Jesus

Fri, 12 Jan 2007 03:00:54 GMT

Hally Joyner

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 18:35:40 GMT
The Hall of Fame makes its inductions public in a few minutes. Fingers crossed. - Jon

You Must Pay the Rent

Mon, 08 Jan 2007 06:51:06 GMT
Hey look I writed a dugout. I like how the one baseball player who makes a headline for owing the government money is the one who looks like the exact sort of person who would schemingly try to avoid it for 20 years. - Mike

Jake Peavy: American Bad Ass

Sun, 07 Jan 2007 02:55:12 GMT
how many times are these rich young people gonna make me use the goddamn lady cop - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Hey Guys, It's Jims

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 05:09:53 GMT
This guy is my new hero. I once pretended to be Moises Alou, too, by becoming very old. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

48 Mile: Epilogue

Fri, 05 Jan 2007 00:05:55 GMT
It's me again, filling in for Jon and Nick who have been hung for their a topical joke about saddam hussein This is the epilogue to our latest Dugout event, "48 Mile," so if you haven't been reading, head over to Progressive Boink and check it all out. It's not only seven pages of Kyle Farnsworth saying words incorrectly, it's also the debut of our new hit single "The Wreck of the Edmund Kyle Farnsworth," which is taking the internet by storm. Hop over to the The Gunslinger Myspace to add the song to your page. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Anybody Here Seen My Old Friends The Royals

Wed, 03 Jan 2007 21:41:17 GMT
It's officially a new year, and we're back to our normal updates. I've chosen today's topic to illustrate where we began, and where we are now. A couple of days ago the Wall Street Journal called us geniuses. Here is a strip about David DeJesus fighting an evil dog. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

48 Mile: THE IMPORTANT PART

Tue, 02 Jan 2007 07:46:35 GMT
Part 6. And I ABSOLUTELY DEMAND that everyone who clicks that link downloads the MP3 and fucking GUSHES over it. The first recording from Progressive Boink Records (we do not have a record label). It will change your life. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Dangerous Robosapien

Sun, 31 Dec 2006 03:41:48 GMT
I'm melting! Meltiiiiing! Oh, who would have thought a small amount of liquid would ever fall on meeeeeee - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

48 Mile, part 5

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 23:39:17 GMT
Picking back up now that Christmas is done. Once again, the payoff for this storyline is tremendous, I guarantee it. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

More Barrys

Fri, 29 Dec 2006 18:31:22 GMT

A Watched Pot Boils Eventually

Thu, 28 Dec 2006 07:20:31 GMT
Sorry this is a little late, but Merry Christmas.

48 Mile, part 4

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 05:36:57 GMT
(make sure you've got your speakers on) -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

DUI-Train

Sat, 23 Dec 2006 02:13:00 GMT
There is an absolute surplus of material right now. We're going to try to get to everything quickly, but if Cal Ripken becomes an astronaut and goes into space or something next week I'm shutting down the site and giving up. This one was requested by lots of people. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

48 Mile, parts 2 and 3

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 22:55:18 GMT
Part 2: http://progressiveboink.com/dugout/archive/48mile2.html Part 3: http://progressiveboink.com/dugout/archive/48mile3.html If you missed Part 1, it's on the Progressive Boink main page. - B

Darryl Strawberry Intervenes

Fri, 22 Dec 2006 04:01:39 GMT
Special thanks for the tip to regular reader Maura and regular readee Deadspin. By the way, B and I updated Progressive Boink this week, featuring the introduction to a tale of Farnsworthian magnitude. - Jon

I Just Rocked Too Hard

Wed, 20 Dec 2006 05:59:04 GMT

48 Mile, part 1

Tue, 19 Dec 2006 04:45:57 GMT
Part 1 of the newest Dugout Special Event, following yesterday's Dugout. Part 2 and all the other updates will be featured on progressiveboink.com. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Gato Get You Into My Life

Mon, 18 Dec 2006 06:44:48 GMT
Ladies and gentlemen, the prequel to our next Dugout special event. Chapter 3 in the World Warrior Trilogy. It all begins tomorrow, on Progressive Boink dot com. ps that motivational poster fucking rules it pps i have the full size version if anyone wants it - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

BGMFL

Sun, 17 Dec 2006 09:18:58 GMT

I Hope He Can Pitch In English!

Fri, 15 Dec 2006 00:19:59 GMT

Kenny Lofton's Career has Gone to Shirt

Thu, 14 Dec 2006 05:11:54 GMT
This will be Kenny Lofton's ninth team in seven years. I like the guy, but in the off-chance he gets into the Hall of Fame, he should just wear a propellor beanie on his plaque.

40 Good Fish

Wed, 13 Dec 2006 06:09:50 GMT

Gil Meche: What the Fuck

Tue, 12 Dec 2006 06:20:20 GMT
[expletives deleted]

slappy feet

Mon, 11 Dec 2006 00:17:09 GMT
Assure me that I am not the only person who: 1) Went to see this movie. 2) Thought about this the entire time. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

A Dapper Dan Man

Sat, 09 Dec 2006 16:19:31 GMT
Special thanks to reader Austin Buckley for the awkwardly groomed heads up on this. He seriously looks like a five year old on picture day. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

I, Done (part 2)

Fri, 08 Dec 2006 19:15:54 GMT
The end of an era. -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

The Bonds Market

Thu, 07 Dec 2006 05:14:14 GMT
Dear Barry Bonds, please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals please don't sign with the royals - Jon

Manny Loves Boston

Wed, 06 Dec 2006 05:56:18 GMT

The Derek Bell Value Menu

Mon, 04 Dec 2006 09:57:39 GMT
No room for Pete Rose on the HOF ballot. Nope, none at all.

The Dundies

Sat, 02 Dec 2006 05:17:32 GMT
Special thanks to reader Jacob Upham for the idea for today's follow-up to a classic Dugout. to thank him, purchase one of our fine shirts - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Manny's Yearly Meeting

Fri, 01 Dec 2006 19:59:57 GMT

Dante Bichette Occurs

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 06:54:56 GMT
Page 2 is ESPN.com's chunky vomit. The analogy works right down to the color scheme.

But I Hit Homeruns!

Thu, 30 Nov 2006 01:10:17 GMT

LOL @ "Felix Pie"

Wed, 29 Nov 2006 02:48:28 GMT
im on ur website fillin in for ur jon again The Cubs are really turning out to be the Big Lots version of the Red Sox. They should sign a shirtless, hairless, plastic man in baggy shorts with molded hair and both hands held in eternal chops. Or Jeter. Same difference. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Standing on the Shoulder of San Francisco Giants

Sun, 26 Nov 2006 21:03:17 GMT
It was either this or "Row Row Robidoux Gently Down the Stream." - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

The Papelbowl II

Sat, 25 Nov 2006 16:12:11 GMT
Welcome back from Thanksgiving, everybody! We took a little unscheduled break for a few days, but we've returned with a Dugout that was originally about 40 times longer and what SHOULD'VE been about 40 times shorter. Hopefully you like it and I can do several sequels where Papelbon refuses to play Green Bay out of fear of being cut by Sterling Sharpe. NEWSBITS - There are some very, very big developments happening in The Dugout-land, so keep an eye out. Some more definite than others. We've also got a special event coming your way very soon: the final chapter in the Kyle Farnsworth: World Warrior Trilogy. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Alfonso's New Home

Tue, 21 Nov 2006 06:13:33 GMT
When I went to Wrigley last summer I got to meet Woo-Woo. It was glorious. - Jon

The Only Black Man In Canada

Sat, 18 Nov 2006 18:20:25 GMT
B put this in my inbox and told me to put it up because Frank Thomas stood next to his computer or something. - Mike

Free Agency Has Nothing To Do With Barry Bonds

Fri, 17 Nov 2006 05:13:57 GMT

Would You Like To Know God Personally? IV

Thu, 16 Nov 2006 07:23:23 GMT
So you buy a baseball team, watch it win a World Series, immediately dismantle it and your fans' trust with it, and torture your fans with relentless threats to move the team out of the state. Then you hire a very well-liked rookie manager who takes the crap you shovel at him and shapes it into a halfway respectable team. Then you fire him because you lack the ability to let people do their jobs. And somehow we continue to let your greedy, corpulent ass within 15 miles of a baseball diamond. - Jon

We Three Kings Be Stealin' The Gold

Wed, 15 Nov 2006 07:15:20 GMT

Sticks and Stones and Words Will Hurt Chris Sabo

Tue, 14 Nov 2006 06:56:12 GMT
I'm convinced that if a man simultaneously donned Chris Sabo's goggles, John Olerud's infield hard hat, Lyle Mouton's jaw guard, and Barry Bonds' elbow guard, he could solve the world's problems. The hard way. He'd be indestructible. Special thanks to Internet reader Zach for the heads-up.

Do You Want Money

Sun, 12 Nov 2006 17:17:18 GMT
I love watching this show with my girlfriend, just to go "DO YOU WANT MONEY" over and over until she changes the channel. And then I make a series of jokes about Bobby's World and trying to fit a condom on one's own head. It really is the worst game show ever. Even Tic-Tac-fucking-Dough made you work a little bit. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Bidding War

Sat, 11 Nov 2006 15:57:06 GMT
Here's to hoping that Daisuke Matsuzaka actually ends up being worth the hundreds of millions of dollars it apparently takes just to talk to him. As it stands now the Red Sox could just stick a Robosapien in the bullpen and cut their losses. Those Sabo Lions players are great. Nothing can get in their eyes! - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Congratulations to Greg Norton

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 07:09:50 GMT

Dmitri Young's Lucky Day

Wed, 08 Nov 2006 07:09:32 GMT

Goodbye, Fair Athletics

Tue, 07 Nov 2006 18:22:34 GMT
i'm fillin' in for ur jon writin' about ur athletics -b thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Labor Talks

Sun, 05 Nov 2006 06:34:52 GMT
Alternate Dugout for tonight: >> Patlabor Bud Selig argues the merits of free agency deadlines against a bunch of giant robots. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

The Dan Quisenberry Challenge VI

Sat, 04 Nov 2006 01:13:17 GMT
The return of a classic. A terrible, terrible classic. - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Derek Jeter Wins AL Rookie Of The Year

Fri, 03 Nov 2006 06:33:17 GMT

Matsuzaka and the Giant Gyroball

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 22:35:21 GMT
I wanted to try to get this up early today, because I'm taking part in the National Novel-Writing Month, even though I've actually already written one. It's an attempt to challenge myself, you could say. And of course by "National Novel-Writing Month" I mean to say "playing Final Fantasy XII nonstop for a month," and by "challenge myself" I mean to say "try to tell all the light-haired brown protagonists apart." - B thedugoutfeedback@gmail.com

Single Play

Wed, 01 Nov 2006 06:38:28 GMT

New Item

Mon, 10 Sep 2007 12:10:23 GMT